I am a single woman and I recently connected with my male best friend from childhood. We lost touch for about 10 years and when we reconnected I found out that he is now married. We were never romantically involved, but we both have told each other throughout the years and even 3 months ago that we love one another as deeply connected friends and nothing more.
Plus he is trying hard to keep the friendship going, but keeps me separate from his wife at all costs. Please note I have attempted on numerous occasions to include his wife in our friendship. I even sent her a birthday card and gift in the hopes to show her that I care for her and would like to be her friend too.
Plus I love my friend and would never want to hurt him or his loved ones. Is it possible for me to stay friends with him knowing that his wife is not accepting of our friendship? Keep in mind I know nothing of the inner workings in their marriage. He keeps his marriage very private and we only talk about fun topics, personal growth, careers, the news, etc….
We are both smart enough to keep each other out of our romantic relationships to avoid confusion and potential issues. My other concern is that his wife may feel threatened by me because of our long history, but he chose her for a reason and he loves her. Our reconnected friendship has mainly been through one visit to see both of them, brief phone calls, text messages, and emails. I have nothing to hide and I always try to include her in any conversation to ensure that she understands my intentions are purely platonic.
Our friendship has lasted over 25 years and we have always been on good terms. We only lost touch because both of our lives took different paths that did not allow us to stay connected for that gap of time. In my experience great friends can lose touch and reunite as if no time has passed. My fear is that I will lose my friend in the end if his wife starts a hate campaign against me and makes him choose.
My friend is also a good man and he is faithful to his wife, he has already started to get distant so where do we go from here? My instincts are telling me to let go, but my heart is telling me to hold on and just back off. We lost touch once, but if his marriage is meant to last forever I lose my dear friend without the possibility of reuniting.
I think jealousy is a wasted emotion, indicative of insecurity and weakness. If a marriage is strong and both parties are trustworthy, there is never any reason to be jealous. And if his marriage is not strong or one party is not trustworthy, why is it a marriage in the first place? So, morally, I completely support your friendship, deplore the jealous wife, and think that your best friend should stand up for your relationship.
You betcha. He lives in another state. How much is this friendship actually giving you? How much could it possibly give you in a perfect world? Would you expect him and his wife to come visit you? Would you like to come and visit them? But none of that actually matters. My advice to you is to put your attention on finding a more meaningful relationship with a new man in your state. But really, my advice to you is to put your attention on finding a more meaningful relationship with a new man in your state. I wonder if clinging to this friendship is either keeping her from finding a new man or fulfilling the lack of of one?
Therefore, I would not be demonizing the wife and assuming that we are dealing with an overly jealous person. People have different ideas of what distinguishes friendship from a relationship and where the boundaries of a relationship lie.
Lady, you need to get yourself a life which does not revolve around this married man. I agree as well as want to point out all we know about our friends is what we see and what they tell us.
For all anyone knows they may have struggled with infidelity in the past and now it is hard to trust. My work friend is also as old as my father, not physically attractive to me, I actually hung out with his wife a lot, but I was STILL accused of trying to break up his marriage. Maybe they play sports together, maybe they share a hobby, but usually a friend is someone that a man speaks to occasionally, and when they do speak, they speak mostly about what they are doing.
Men do not typically bond emotionally with their friends and do not rely on their friends for emotional support. To most women, a friend is someone to share emotional conversation. Most women speak with their female friends frequently — even every day — and share details about their lives and what they feel. And by talking about emotions and daily events, women bond with their friends in a way that makes them feel connected. To most women, the only difference between a friend and a lover is sex and attraction.
Not so for most men. Because men share the intimate details of their emotions only with their girlfriend, that person is emotionally unique to that man — whereas the girlfriend will share the intimate details of her emotions with lots of people and will not generally view her emotional closeness with her man as anything different than what she has with others. If a woman were to treat a man like she treats her female friends, that level of emotional connectedness would signify a romantic relationship to him.
How is any of this relevant here? But for the man it likely was not, because men do not love their friends, nor do they share everything with their friends. Let him move on, and do not come between him and his wife. Totally totally agree with everything you said. The thing here is that both these friends have known each other from childhood. However, my position would be different had they ever dated, or if they had met as adults or young adults.
Jeremy — Excellent explanation. Would like to print your comment and post it on my wall. Thank you. I could not agree more! The world needs more strong men like you! Every male friend I have had has come onto me. And I would definitely not let a single or married woman be my partners best friend -that would be my job. Well said Jeremy. That is one of the saddest, most pathetic statements I have ever read. How unfortunate for people who believe that. I agree with Evan. Yes, we can love our guy friends.
However, you both parted ways for 10 years and you reappeared into his life. If you were friends consistently without the break, then I would say the wife is over-reacting. However, popping back into the picture would make me raise my eyebrows if I were the wife. It feels great to be loved, even by friends.
However, it is a line crosser with a married male friend. Jeremy make good points that friendship with an opposite sex person means different things to that person. But he will gladly accept sex if she offers it, or yields to his physical escalation. Which is why women HATE friends with benefits. OK, I know there are exceptions, so please no pile on about how the best sex in the world that you EVER had was with your friend with benefits. When a woman puts a man in the friend zone it is a special hell for him because she still continues to bond with him emotionally.
For her this is nothing special she bonds with all her friends but to him he is in a burgeoning relationship emotionally that never goes anywhere sexually. Some needs are met while others never will be, but just enough pleasure is present to make leaving difficult.
Totally agree with all you said. The other had been in a long on again, off again relationship with a woman who ran hot and cold on him and treated him like crap. I became the big sister whose shoulder he cried on. Of course he would fade away when she snapped her fingers and he would go running, but a few days later, he would be back crying on my shoulder. We were even room mates for a year. I have a very fun social life with my female friends.
I have male company from family members. Thanks to You and Jeremy for sharing such a valuable advice in this blog. Actually I was quite confused about making friends with the opposite sex because of my distasteful past with two of my male friends and both of them turned out to be conventional men.
Nah Jeremy, I usually agree with u, but I disagree on this. Male-female friendships are a beautiful thing, as beautiful as male-male friendships and female-female friendships but in a different way. My life would be sadder without the joy that some of my close male-female friendships bring to my life, and I think those friends of mine would agree. You and Morris and Julia all claim to have good male-female friendships, and I am certainly not accusing you of falsehood.
As I wrote above, women are very capable of being friends with men. They would call each other constantly and speak for hours — sharing intimate details in a very female-style friendship. She was convinced that he was her best friend. He was secretly hoping she would date him, though he never came out and asked her.
For the people here who have good intersexual friendships, I wonder whether these are female-style friendships or male-style? If they are male-style friendships, I fully agree — it is possible for men and women to be friends on those terms.